I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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