T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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