I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
