Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
