if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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