well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
