Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
