Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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