Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
