if i can run in heels then i can drive
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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