Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
