So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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