Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i just google imaged poop.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Randomize
