before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
