i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
