Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
