I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
