I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize