Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
