Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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