Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
