Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
