Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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