Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
