My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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