No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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