i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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