Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
