I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
