I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
