There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
