ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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