RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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