If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
