he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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