Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
