twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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