I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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