Define "chronic" masturbator.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
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