the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize