...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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