I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
