i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
