I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
