Just fell off a train. Bad.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
