it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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