I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
