Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize