I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
