i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
