some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
