I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Sober January is a disaster.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
