1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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