The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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