So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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