My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Randomize
