I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
