You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
