wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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