i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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