i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
