the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
