soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
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